So I called my therapist…
…and she told me we could meet next thursday. That day is the day after tomorrow. Meanwhile I try to control my life when I’m being hypomanic.
I have been drinking a lot mora alcohol than I normally do. I also don’t need as much sleep as I need when I’m depressed. I have gotten myself a couple of new hobbies, that I haven’t attended after all.
These all are signs of my mania. I try to control it, but it seems a bit difficult.
Tomorrow I’m going out again to this one graphic designers event. I don’t know why I do this, but I fill my days with all kinds of activities. I just can’t stay still.
I just hope thigs will get better when I get to talk to my therapist. I’ll tell you people how it went after I’ve been there and talked to her.
I wish my friends would understand this. Two of them have already left me because they think I’m too depressed.
It is not me, it is not the real me. I’m trapped here, somewhere behind the depression, but I will come back if you just have patience… and wait.
Just wait for me. I will come back.
I will not break. I will fight every day. I can do it. Just God give me strength!
Long time no see.
I haven’t written anything in here for ages… It’s because I have been feeling really down. I have had horrible trouble even getting up in the morning or going to school. I have missed a lot of classes and finally the christmas vacation has started. I just wanted to let all my followers know I’m still alive, even though my life is currently really rough. My mother in law visited us and that’s something I want to write more about at some point. She really makes me feel like I am nothing. I’ll write more about it later when I feel a bit better, good enough to have strength to write.
Not feeling well.
I haven’t been to school since monday. In monday I went to the art history lessons, because that’s my favourite subject but I haven’t been to the rest of the lessons at all. I’m just tired all the time. Tomorrow I will have to go to school, be have an exam in there. I’ve been studying for the exam today and yesterday. About hundred more pages to go and then I’ve read the whole book.
I feel really horrible all the time. I get really anxious about everything happening around me. I think I also make matters worse by not eating well. I’ve just eaten candy and chips and pepsi. Today I will try to get to the gym, maybe that would make me feel a bit better about myself. Maybe that would make me have more energy.
I’m really scared about the fact that in saturday I will have to go to an art gallery to frame the pictures I have for an art exhibition. The exhibition starts in monday and it makes me anxious and scared. It will be the most important exhibition in my life so far. I want everything to go well, but I’m not sure if I have enough strength to make things happen. Well, I know I will push things through, but what about after that, afterwards I may be really depressed and feeling really horrible because I have made myself work even though I am too exhausted to work.
Tomorrow is the exam and I will try my best to pass it. Then I will work through saturday to frame the pictures for the exhibition, then I have sunday to train for another exam and in monday there’s an art history exam and after the exam I will go to assemble the exhibition. I sure hope everything will work out fine and I will be able to handle all of the pressure.
A Perfect Plan
A few days ago we made a plan with my husband. We made a plan about our future.
Right now I’m in art university and our plan is that right after I graduate from the university, we will try to get a child. That means that after about three and half years I will be pregnant, if everything goes right. With things like this you can never be sure, but hey, that’s the plan, that’s what we’ll at least try.
During the next three and half years I will try my best to recover from my depression and I will try to get some money from somewhere. We need money so that we can buy an appartment before we get a child. The most important thing though, is that I need to recover. I will try my best to get better and study hard because it is my dream to have a child.
For the sake of getting a child, I will try my best to recover. I want to be healthy when I have a child to take care of.
Depression and having a child.
So the other day I was discussing with my friends in skype. The topic of wanting to have children came up and many of them said they don’t want children. I, on the other hand, said that sometimes I really want children so badly that I am a bit upset with my husband who says I have to study first before he agrees to have children with me. That was supposed to be it, me just saying I really really want children.
But it wasn’t.
Almost all of my friends started saying “Oh no, you shouldn’t get children. You’re too depressed for that.” “What about your medication? You can’t have children if you’re on meds.” And I was just like “Well I just said I really want to have children, I believe I would be able to manage it.” But one of my friends went as far as getting mad at me for saying that I want to have children. She said that “You shouldn’t have a child when you can’t even take care of yourself.”
That really hurt me. In fact, I am currently doing really well, I am on the road to recovery and my medication is really helping me a lot. Sometimes I don’t go to university because of my psychosis attacks, but that’s okay because I have talked about it with my teachers. Also, I take the day off before the psychosis attack comes, so I don’t really have any psychosis attacks anymore if I just remember to take my meds.
I tried to explain this to my friend, but she was so mad at me that she logged of from skype. I felt really bad. Like, did she just say I shouldn’t have children because I am depressed. That I can’t take care of a child because I am too messed up?
I believe I would be just as good of a mother as anyone else. I believe I would be able to take care of my own child. I think I wouldn’t be able to go to work at the same time, but it’s okay, I could be a stay at home mom instead of a career mom. I wouldn’t be able to take all my medication when pregnant, but I believe that if I would take things slowly and relax enough, I would manage. Also, I am on the road to recovery, I will be better every day. So if I’d get pregnant after a year, the situation might be very different from now.
I’d love to hear other’s opinions on this. Is it okay to have children if you’re pregnant?