I just went to the unemployment office today and I almost bursted into tears in there. I have gotten stipend money for my art projects and that has caused the unemployment office to start thinking I’m self employed! I can’t get any money from anywhere and I can’t even try to get a job because I’m starting in a new school soon. Everything is so hard. I am going to make a complaint letter to them but it’ll take them half a year to do the process of seeing it through and even after that I may not get any money from anywhere. Everything is so hard, I don’t know what to do.
Last weekend I was working in an art event. I had to talk to a lot of people and advertise my art. I love it, I love meeting all the people and selling art and talking to fans, but still it makes me really tired.The things that I love always make me so tired.
I was in a hotel while I was in the art event and during the night I got a panic attack. I couldn’t sleep during that night at all, so I just tried to draw and relax. I was really tired the next morning and I still had to talk to people.
I’m really glad I’m now at home.
Even though I am recovering slowly, I hate myself more and more every day. Somehow I manage to get more energy and I feel a bit less sad and anxious, but I hate myself more. I think I’m just accepting the fact that I am horrible and fat and ugly and discusting. I’m accepting it and starting to think about other stuff.
Yesterday I went to a clothing store and bought myself clothes for 86 euros. I am so tired of being fat, so I tried to buy clothes that hide my body. I am going to start a new school soon and everyone will see me there and see how fat I am. I hope these new clothes will help me hide my fat belly and thighs.
All the medication I have to take in one day…
My father told me the medication has made me a different person, that I don’t laugh like I used to, that I’m just numb all the time. I am kind of wishing I could use a little less medication. I booked myself a time to see my psychiatrist so that we can discuss my medication.
Today is the day for celebration. Today I’m having a party in my house. My husband is on a work trip, so I asked a bunch of friends over to have fun together.
But why am I doing that? Just to make sure I appear normal. Just to make sure everone will think I am happy and nothing is wrong with me.
I will appear to be happy today. I will smile and have fun. But in reality I am really anxious. I feel like someone’s got hold of my heart and he’s got a tight grip around it. It’s hard to breathe and even harder to smile. I want time alone and yet there’s going to be a party here.
And after the party, the whole appartment will be a mess and I will be left alone to clean it all up. I am so tired. Why do I go through all this trouble just to appear normal?
My friends don’t even want to talk to me anymore. And why would they, I’m so depressing. I should just die so that others don’t have to deal with me. Today I just feel like there’s no point in living anymore… That no-one cares and that I live because no-one wants to talk to me.
I feel so alone.
This is what I believe in. I never stop working. Sometimes I rest for a few days but still, I work a lot. I want to become a great artist and that’s why I work so much. I have gallery shows, art blogs, I teach in art classes, I sell my art in events… Maybe some day I’ll be able to be a great artist… Especially now that I got into a graphic design school, I will learn so much more about art and I will meet a lot of other artists and some day my dream will come true, even if I am depressed.
Today I haven’t had the strength to work, but still I try to do even a little every day. Today I have updated my art blogs and after I get a bit more rest, I can draw my commissions, or maybe work on my next gallery show pieces. One day my dream will be reality.
I had been applying to get into a graphic design school and today I found out that I was accepted.
I think I should be happy but I am not. I am terrified. Terrified of how am I going to manage to have enough strength to study and graduate. I am still depressed… how can someone who’s this depressed manage to study?
I have to rest enough. I have to sleep enough and exercise. I have to do my best to manage. And I have to tell the school psychologist right away that I’m depressed really badly and I need help.
I feel anxious about the school starting. I am afraid and I am unsure of how things will go.
I want to be able to study.
Today it really hit me. I found the reason why I’m depressed.
And this is how I found it out.
This morning my father told me “I know you know why are you depressed, you just don’t admit it… Maybe you’re ashamed or something but you know it.” And I started thinking… What could be something I don’t want to admit even though I know it’s true.
And then it hit me. I don’t want to admit there’s anything wrong with my parents because I love them… but in reality, my father is a huge chauvinist. He talks about women like this. “Women are all so annoying, they just whine and complain about everything. Women aren’t as smart as men. Women are too emotional, they just cry all the time, they aren’t strong. Women are weak, women are powerless, when it comes to men. Women are inferior to all men. Women are only good for having sex and even in that women fail, because they don’t give sex often enough.”
And I have been listening to that for my whole childhood… All my teenage years… even now when I’m an adult.
So I started believing it.
And I am a preson who wants to become something great! I want to become a great artist. I want to be the best I can, I want to make most of my life.
But I believed my dad. I believed that even though I try my hardest in becoming the best artist I can be, I would never be enough. No-one would ever love me and I would always be inferior to all men just because I was born woman.
I am sad… For eleven years I’ve been depressed because I have thought I can never be enough as a woman.
At some point in my life I tried to act like men do. I tried to dress up like men, I tried to be a man, just so that I would be enough, so that I would be loved. It never worked and I just fell deeper and deeper into my depression.
I am still not fine. Even though I understood why I feel like crap, I can’t make myself to think I am good as a woman. I need time to correct my thinking.
I need help.
But now I have somewhere I can start the healing.
I know I have to start being okay with being a woman. And I have to understand that I can do anything. I can do everything a man can do and I can do it better. I can become the best artist I possibly manage to become and nothing can stop me, not even the fact that I am not a man. And that’s what I need to try to understand.
And I will do my best in believing in my abilities.
Do you have any ideas how to do that though?